box fan.
You know those old box fans? Square shaped. Sturdy. Nothing fancy, just function. They produce an unwavering loud humming that distracts any conversation initially then naturally fades into the background. Though, you always know it’s there.
That is my mind as of late.
A constant humming I can’t stop. Persistent movement of thoughts, decisions, worries whirling around in a circular motion trapped in a box. This is my best analogy for May-cember. May-hem. Or any other cute pun on this unforgiving month you might’ve heard. The irony of it all is that this month does not impact fathers the way it impacts mothers with school-aged children and amongst the swirling of responsibility we are to celebrate ourselves. Huh.
“You’re the best, Mom” “How do you do it all?!” - I DON’T. Please send heeeelllllppppp.
It’s Mother’s Day.
I’m at a fancy chain steakhouse. Alone.
At my table sits a fresh espresso martini, three espresso beans bobbing in the caramel colored liquid. A metal basket lined with a napkins cuddles warm bread with TWO types of butter. One spiked with cabernet and caramelized red onions, the other champagne and brie. There is a strong chance I will lick both butter bowls - publicly and without shame.
The only face I will wipe at this meal is my own.
The hum of the restaurant drowns out the hum of my box fan mind. I am not thinking of…
Teacher appreciation. Oh, and I can’t forget Elliott’s paraprofessionals. Should I do baskets of their favorite things and gift cards? Or just goood gift cards? My mom and stepmom always say go with gift cards and they are teachers so if anyone knows, they do. Should I wrap them in cute paper in their favorite colors from their favorite things sheet I got at the beginning of the school year? Oh shit, where are those sheets?! Wait, there are only 9.5 days left of school - what the hell am I going to do with the kids for the Summer. They say we only have 18… oooooph. <pressure grows, as do tears> Ok camps but geez, all these camps are ~$400/kid/week and I’ve got three... but also, Elliott is not welcome at these camps. How do I make my girl’s Summer fantastic too because she deserves that and so much more! Oh wait, her therapy schedule has to change - so thats Occupational, Speech, Tuturing…what am I missing? She hasn’t been in physical therapy in a long time but we just added drinking therapy about a month ago so that hopefully we don’t have to thicken her liquids forever. Poor gal doesn’t deserve to drink gel water - that’s gross. Who wants to drink gel water? No one is the answer. No. One. How is baseball season still going?! Did I send money for the coaches gifts? Ohhh… did we do coaches gifts for both teams?? I need to text the mom group to make sure we do that. Did we sign up the boys for the next season of sports? Those slots go wicked fast. And I just missed getting a ‘mom’s with margs’ ticket, that thing sold out in 2 minutes. WHY is that being sold in MAY?! Can we not bump that back to March when we still feel like we can function?! Did I send thank you notes to all the folks who brought presents to Bennett’s 5th birthday - oh God, I didn’t. They are all going to think I’m rude or ungrateful! Is it too late?? Calvin’s birthday is in one month and 4 days. So that means I have to find out what he wants to do for a party, book a place, buy stuff, and send an invite in… 4 days. <the box fan gets louder> Did the neighbor respond to the fence quotes I got? I should follow up. We need to make a decision on that relatively soon or the prices all expire and I’ll have to schedules re-quotes. Oh Lord, I really don’t want to repeat work I already did. And work…Oh. Going back to full time in September. That was a choice I made. Feels like an interesting right now. Bennett has a graduation from his pre-school, did I move my meetings that conflicted? I need to check that. Calvin hasn’t made a single swim practice, he is going to get kicked off the team before he even starts. Is that even on my calendar? When do we get the pool code thingy? I emailed twice, I should email again. Pool season is upon us, I don’t think any of the kids have swim suits that fit nor water shoes. Where did I even store their water shoes? They need new regular shoes too. These babies are growing! Should I order back packs now so that August Aubrey is thrilled? But what if they change their minds on what they want? Ok, I’ll wait. Do we need to take a vacation every year and what constitutes a vacation? Some people are going to Disney and that makes me want to lay in fetal position and cry. We will 100% lose Elliott in the Space Mountain ride and make them turn the lights on ruining the experience for all. The other day she ran away from her family at Calvin’s baseball game, how do I keep her safe? How do I ensure she understands that she needs to stay with her family when we are out and about? Maybe school can help, oh but the best para who is so fantastic with her is leaving next year. Should we look at private schools? We just can’t, they are $30,000 a year. Ok it’s fine, we’ll make public school work. Do we have groceries? I think we’re out of all the snacks… what am I making for dinner this week? I’m so tired of being yelled at by my kids after I make their dinner. G
<Writer sips Espresso Martini and checks the heart rate on her Apple Watch as the humming volume increases>
This isn’t even all of it. I had to stop myself before I cried at the bar of this fancy chain restaurant. I can’t lick butter ramekins aaannnnd cry. That’s just too much for the people to handle.
Every mother of school-aged children is thinking of the above at any given moment. She can’t stop it. Even if she wants to and tries, the effort is fruitless.
If you are reading this and you love a mother of school-aged children don’t praise her for doing it all. Don’t tell her how amazed you are by her. Rather, you can say those things but ALSO do her dishes. Bring her family a dinner. Wash a load of kid’s laundry and put it away. Tell her you are watching the kids and you have scheduled a pedicure for her at her favorite nail salon, she needs to leave right now and you’ve already told them to give you extra massage. Start her favorite coffee when she wakes. Book her an hotel room for one night with a king size bed and a late check out.
The options are endless…truly. Get creative. I believe in you. Anything to help the box fan keep to a dull roar so she can survive another day to keep her family humming along. <pun intended> Especially in May. Hell, unplug the damn thing and watch her fall to the ground with relief. The glaze in her eyes should lift soon. Wine helps.
After all this truth being spilled from my buttery fingertips, I am headed back to see my babies.
I miss them. They are my world and I’m so very thankful my mind was made to hum in the month of May.
Happy Mother’s Day. Here’s to June.
-Aubrey
